I am the proud and vocal veteran of four Vagina Monologue casts. In college and since, I have learned my most valuable lessons as a VDAY girl about sexuality, love, relationships, and self-esteem. And yet, men still surprise me. It’s a mystery that I’ll never fully understand; I’m okay with that.
The next clue to tip me off that Stealth Hippie isn’t your average 20-something guy: his intuition in bed. Not only is he surprisingly dominant, but after the first time sleeping together, he boldly asked about my side of things.
I don’t think I’ve had a guy openly ask, “Do you orgasm?” with the knowledge that there are women out there that actually don’t. Guys know that women don’t always, but when I laughed a little and said of course I do, he countered with, “Well, I know some women don’t. Since you didn’t just now, I wanted to know.”
If that didn’t blow me away, the next bit would.
“So, what gets you over the edge, then?”
Not only did he notice I hadn’t orgasmed the first time we had sex, but he was both comfortable and knowledgeable enough to broach the topic? Curiousier and curiousier!
The most disturbing part was that I didn’t know how to respond. As a Vagina Monologue girl, I know a lot about sex, exploration, and the female body. It goes with the territory. I know all about sex toys, though I’ve never had the money to actually invest in one for myself [I know… it’s next on my list, once I get a real job and can comfortably afford rent]. I’ve read articles, advice columns, and journals regarding sexology. My women’s studies and sociology classes explored sexuality openly. As a card-carrying geek, I intellectually know all of this.
But that doesn’t exactly prepare you for real life. I might have a solid number of past partners, but they were all too transient to learn much about myself. One relationship of six months is about all I have in the way of genuine introspection into what works for me. In that way, I’m still pretty new at this and need to figure things out.
So I responded that yes, women are all wired differently. Some orgasm easily, some not at all, and others take a little work. I tend to fall in the last category—it’s happened before, but not every time. He asked, when I do orgasm, if it’s really intense. Nodding, I laughed a little, commenting on his intuition. He chalks it up to being a younger child in a family of females. He says younger kids pay attention and pick up things, while older children are assertive and get things done. Without saying anything, I laughed again and confirmed that yes, I am an older sibling and definitely the bossy one of my brood.
Then he asked again what it takes, and went on to ask about masturbation, toys, and positions. The guy was blowing me away, with the calm way he was discussing what I’ve always seen as a female issue. Talking about this kind of topic can make you feel pretty vulnerable. To be honest, though, this is the kind of exposure I appreciate—it’s a sensitive subject, and he wanted to know. He wanted to know ME.
I ended up saying that variety has always served me well, and definitely intensity. Feeling like I’m entirely consumed by the connection, stimulated by everything in him. It’s all about the experience for me, not the biology. If I’m fascinated, that means my entire mind and body’s attention will be focused enough to click. What works for me is someone who can match my passion, offering as much as he’s taking. Assertive personalities tend to fit the best. Not only rough, though I do lean in that direction more often. But just that. Intense.
Yes, all men should concern themselves with the satisfaction of their sex partners. My male friends all claim to be dedicated to it, including the ones I’ve slept with. [And yes, I’ve actually never really been disappointed with my choice of partner. Several of them would discuss or even ask questions, since they knew I’m open about it.] For the most part, though, they would talk a lot of talk, and I knew from conversations with their partners that their walk needed a bit of work. It’s mostly pride and not enough proof. But this was somehow different.
It was genuine. Intense. I still have a lot to learn about myself and my body, but that didn’t seem to put him off. I’m cautious to say that he might be along for the ride. Much like his controlled vibe, this focus made me shiver. And I’m fascinated.